I was recently reminded that I once theorized that there are four different types of coffee. Try not to think “Columbian,” or “Dark Roast” here. More succinctly, there are four purposes to coffee. I was asked today what they are, but the original impulse was gone, so I had to scavenge my own mentality to reconstruct the notion. Here's what I came up with:

C1
The most common, and therefore let us call it Type 1 coffee, is shared with friends. It is social coffee, or more accurately, socializing coffee. One discusses their day, family, the crazy weekend that they endured. The coffee is the pretext to an event where we hone our social skills. Type 1 - Friendly coffee.

C2
I cannot comment on the commonality of the remaining types, though I would guess that this is next: coffee as the common bond. This is the junkie's coffee. Let's face it, we all drink the stuff and many times have little else in common. Life puts us in situations where we necessarily end up working with these people whom we have little in common with. I liken this coffee to the banners we wave in a stadium. We all support the same team, it seems to say; therefore, Type 2 - Stadium coffee. Junkie's coffee also kind of covers the “I can't wake up without it” cup we have in the morning, though I would not argue with anyone who chose to represent it as its own genre.

C3
Thankfully, the next purpose is fairly uncommon, though I had this coffee last night. This coffee provides a reason to get together with someone when they need help or support. Society is weird like that. Many of us can simply say “I need your help / support.” Perhaps itʼs the idea of that extra common bond that reinforces the person understands you. This makes their support seem more valid, or better. Or something like that. It is also nice to have the option to pause without saying anything, while one contemplates the hardships at hand. This is provided for by slowly sipping at the coffee. Type 3, then - Support coffee.

C4 (which can provide quite the bang)
One of the most obvious is the COFFEE. This is the beverage that affords one some extra time (usually one on one) to try and convince another that they should be Closer. Intimate. Physical. I call it COFFEE because of a comedian who once discussed this (Eddie Izzard). For those of you not familiar with Izzard, let us label it as Type 4 - Sexy coffee. or, sssSexy Coffee!

My primitive mentality produced these four purposes more or less immediately, however, in the time it took to write this I have identified to more types that deserve recognition. They can often be linked to Type 4 coffee, but don't Have to be.

C5
This coffee is again usually one on one, though variations are noted depending on a person's ambitions. Its purpose is to probe the personality of someone you have recently met. One is looking for how well they will get along with the other. Clearly this may connect to Type 4 coffee because one may finish a few cups of the black gold and think “I like this person, I want to take this person to bed,” or possibly “Let's fuck.” There is a second purpose to this coffee though. One may be looking to see if the other person will make a goodly friend. I suppose
one might be guaging if the other will be a suitable addition to the company (i.e. interview coffee). Since there are different manifestations, we require an umbrella term. My first idea was “Worthiness coffee,” which though accurate, sounds cynical. I opt instead to suggest Type 5 - Tentative coffee.

C6
The final coffee type I offer now for your consideration also subdivides into two major categories. Indeed, sub-divide as you see fit, but the concepts of necessity and luxury present themselves. On the necessity side we have the “Damn it's cold, I need to warm up with a nice hot cup of” coffee. On the luxury side I am thinking of when the warmth imbued by the beverage is more spiritual. An excellent example: Waking up exhausted after a long night of successful Type 4 coffees with someone you truly adore and quietly sipping on a fresh cup of breakfast blend while you massage your partner's feet and contemplate the fact that it is Sunday and all your responsabilities have been attended to. Type 6 - Coffee of Warmth. Probably this is the Best cup of coffee one can have.

IMPORTANT! - When doing coffee, be sure you know which type you are drinking! Many a disastrous occasion has arisen out of confusion over just what coffee type is going down your throat. Sometimes the differences are glaringly obvious - it is difficult to confuse Type 6 coffee with good old fashioned Types 1 or 5. Though I hate the term, if you Do confuse these types there is a chance you might be “easy.” Seek help from a respected barrista.

Consider the person and their situation, when inviting anyone for coffee. Does your intended coffee type match their most likely preference? Some people will never taste Type 4 coffee, some can't start their day without it. If it's Type 3 coffee, ask yourself if you really have enough time (these coffees can be tediously repetitive and take Hours for just one cup). And for heaven's sake learn to recognize when it's only ever going to Be Type 1 coffee.

Remember that there are special times where coffee types overlap. It is possible on occasion to have Type 1 for a long time with someone, but circumstance suddenly changes it to Type 4. Learn to recognize the subtle differences and your cheesy horoscope might come true for once. Remember also that though Type 3 can overlap well with and reinforce Type 1, it's often disastrous when mixed with Type 4. Adding alcohol to your coffee (even an innocent dash of Bailey's) can compound the issue. This is not to say that alcohol is verboten, sometimes the added warmth of some Tia Maria can enhance the right type of coffee, especially 4 and 6. Keep in mind that each alcohol has a personality of its own that will influence and possibly potentiate with the coffee type.

It tends to be a social phenomenon that Asking someone what type of coffee you are enjoying with them, especially after the first refill or later, dampens the situation considerably. Further, it makes one look somewhat naive or even a bit of a dullard. Moreover, asking may be considered crude and boorish. Again, with the right measure of charisma and delicate handling, asking may be acceptable. There are documented instances where asking, handled well, has advantageously turned one type to another (to the delight and amusement of all involved). Simply put: Be Careful about Asking!

A note about Decaf:
There are those members of society who have very strong reactions to the contents of a lovely coffee. Caffeine is the main problem in these cases. In the past, Decaf was considered somewhat frivolous and suggested that the imbiber was not serious about anything. In these semi-enlightened times of political correctness, it is considered a faux pas to make such assumptions. If one is open about drinking Decaf, it is not rude to inquire if they have trouble with regular coffee, just do not pry.

DISCLAIMER! - It should be noted that although in recent times it is common enough to see someone drinking coffee in a chic café while reading the DaVinci Code™, there is no hidden, kabbalic or otherwise mystic numerology to the coffee types presented here. If you find yourself seeking secret meanings in these numbers, you have likely had far too much of whatever type you're drinking and have become paranoid. Do not consult a barrista! Barristas practice their own weird mysticism and cannot help. Instead seek a coffee cessation worker.

I would like to share with you an ancient poem about coffee. It was written in a male dominated society, so please try to see the value beyond the single sexist remark it contains.

Good Coffee Should Be
Black as Night
Strong as Death
Sweet as a Woman

*sigh* It brings a tear to the ee, doesnʼt it? Now, as regular readers will acknowledge, I often ask for feedback. By all means if I have left out significant elements, share your view with the rest of us. Until we meet again, maintain full speed, stay up late, wake up tired but determined.